How He Lost Her
by thunder2010
Summary: They were the most unlikely pair of friends – if you could even call them that. They wanted to blow each other's heads off most of the time. But eventually they came to need each other; they revolved around each other. And then, one day they didn't.


**How He Lost Her**

_This is the story of how he met her. How he loved her. How he lost her. This is the story of a boy who tried to protect the girl he loved, but in the end protection only goes so far._

* * *

_Part One_

You don't realize what you have until it's gone. He knows she can't hear his apologies. He knows she can't hear him. But it's the only way he gets through the day. He tells her everyday but not through actual spoken words. He tells her through tears because words would make it real. And a small, tiny part of him is still hoping that this is not real.

Because how could this be real?

"It's a tragedy," people say all around him. They continue to talk around him, try to get his attention but he's empty inside. He stands there, still as a statute because he knows it's his entire fault. If he had made one, small change in his life everything would be different. Maybe she would have still been by his side.

It started with a competition - this was before they hated each other so much. This was when he used to be able to tolerate her.

"Yeah? Well I can make flowers breathe fire!" he said waving his wand at the daffodil in front of them. It wasn't much, but it blew out a spark of light.

"That's nothing," Hermione said with a mischievous grin. "Watch this," He watched in confusion as she waved her wand above his head and suddenly CRACK. A rain cloud had formed above his head and was now thoroughly drenching him in cold water.

At first he flinched, he hated the sound of thunder. But she was a muggleborn, he would never back down to her. Swallowing his fear, he pointed his wand at the rain cloud and it flew away. "A little rain doesn't mean anything," he said. "I'm much better at you than magic."

Hermione immediately scowled. "No way! I know much more magic than you!"

He laughed in her face, ignoring her hurt expression.

"I'm serious!" she said pointing her wand at him and turning his hair blue.

"What? I don't see anything," he taunted checking his surroundings. He walked away toward the castle, shaking his head at the silly muggleborn that thought she was better than a pureblood.

He ran back immediately once he realized what she'd done.

"Change it back!" he hissed, pointing to his hair. "I've tried to change it back but it keeps turning blue! What did you do?" People in the library frowned at him for talking loudly and Hermione shushed him.

"Not until you admit I'm right."

Draco wanted to strangle her, but he also wanted to be blonde again. "Fine," he managed to grit out. "You're _fine_ at magic, for a muggleborn." Hermione sighed but eventually changed his hair back. Without a thank you, he threw her books on the floor and ran out of the library. Hermione hoped he would leave her alone now that she'd proven she could turn his hair blue and he couldn't do a thing about it.

When he did try to challenge her again, she did not hesitate to change his hair a nice neon color. It was annoying that she had to do it over and over again to teach him a lesson, but that did not stop her from accepting his challenges.

This was how he got to know her.

Scratch that - she was somewhat of an open book; everyone knew her. She was kind, sweet, intelligent, and a determined witch. But when she accepted his challenges he got to know a different side of her. He got to know her strengths, weaknesses and what her instinct told her to do. What kind of spell a person cast said a lot about them.

And it was weird - these challenges lasted until the end of second year. They hated each other's guts by that point so they could barely challenge each other without threatening to throw a hex at one another that would blow something up.

And sometimes he had to coax her to meet him again. Particularly, after the time he'd publicly humiliated her by calling her a mudblood at the beginning of quidditch season. He had not thought much of it; she had challenged him and he had attacked. That was all. Business as usual. But clearly when she did not show up where they usually met, it meant otherwise.

The first few days he passed it off as anger towards him. But that was okay, she'd get over it eventually. However, as time progressed he was getting bored, so he decided to publicly hex her from time to time. But she was prepared and she never fought back, which irked him to no end.

"You'll be next, mudblood." He fired at her in front of the wall where a frozen Mrs. Norris was, smiling gleefully when she finally acknowledged him. He thought now that he had finally gotten her attention she would show up and challenge him again. Unfortunately she did not and he cursed her existence. And even more unfortunately, the heavens heard him and soon he heard a rumor that she was petrified. "Bloody, Granger." he muttered one day absent mindedly staring at the empty seat in front of him. "Just had to go looking for trouble didn't you?" He blamed his dull mood on not having anyone to challenge him, but if he looked back on it now, he would say that he was already smitten with Hermione - he just hadn't realized.

When she was finally un-petrified, he sent her a letter. It wasn't an apology and Hermione never assumed it to be. She showed up again at their usual room the next day turning his skin a nice shade of orange before he noticed her; business as usual.

And these playful challenges between two young souls did not waver for quite a few years.

They still hated each other's guts as they grew older. But it was a different type of hate.

As Draco saw it, there were two types of hate: blind rage, and hate that suddenly was not hate when you looked back on it seven years later. It was just a reason to think of the person again.

He sometimes hated that she was better than him, but he never hated _her_. Not then at least. They'd grown up together for three years now - they knew each other's strengths and weaknesses. They knew each other's hopes and failures. They hated each other; but at the same time they needed each other. Not in a way that required physical contact or even communication. But they revolved around each other like the planets around the sun. Their worlds were different in every way, they were two most unlikeliest people that could be friends. But there was just something that brought them together time and time again.

So they practiced together. And practicing on each other made them stronger than they could have ever been alone - not that either of them would admit it to each other. They completed each other from a young age. Hermione tried to tell her friends once that Malfoy wasn't as evil as they thought him to be. He was smart, and maybe if he had the right friends he would be a better person. He would realize eventually that everything he had been taught was a lie. But somehow Draco would always manage to piss Ron and Harry off so they never listened, and Hermione eventually stopped standing up for him. But for some reason she never left him.

He was always afraid that she would, and only in the darkest times did he admit it to himself. And he admitted it to her once too. In third year after he'd fractured his arm. They did not work on spells during this time because he said he did not want to injure himself more (which Hermione rolled her eyes at). So they sat there reading books that Draco had nicked from the library at the Malfoy manor. They read together in silence for a few months even after his arm had mended. One day, he looked up at Hermione for a minute.

He hated Hermione's guts, he hated that she was in Gryffindor and he despised the blood that ran through her veins. But next to all that hate what something else.

"Is there something on my face?" Hermione asked, noticing Draco's stare.

He looked away and cleared his throat. "No, nothing." And then later, before they parted ways for the day, he found the courage to say what had been running in his head the entire time. "I know you and your do-goody friends always manage to land yourselves in the middle of every mess but Sirius Black broke out of _Azkaban_. He's dangerous. For once, try to keep your bushy head out of this."

He tried to quickly shoulder past her, but Hermione was having none of it. "What do you care about me, Malfoy?" she asked.

He snorted, but his stomach sank. He shouldn't have said anything because now Hermione was going to go purposefully looking for trouble just to spite him. Somehow trouble would always find her. But so what? She was nothing to him.

Unfortunately, the words wouldn't come out and he found himself turning pink. "Just take my advice, Granger." he said pushing her away.

Hermione stared after him, a confused look on her face. She wondered how a person could be so split in personality. Outside of that room he was pompous, arrogant, and mean. And in the room - well he was still all of those terrible things, but he was also witty and occasionally considerate. How could somebody be so different?

Their first kiss was something of a mystery to Hermione. They were 14 years old and Draco was behind her, holding her arm to help her balance herself while she was chanting something particularly difficult. It was easy for Draco because it was from the branch of dark spells. It made the caster dizzy because of the power it required and Hermione had already fallen once; he was there to hold her and catch her if she fell again.

Then suddenly he wasn't just there to catch her. One minute everything was business as usual and then he noticed her lips. He'd looked at them several times but not like this. There was something about their shape, something about the way they parted that made him think they'd be a perfect fit with his. And so he tried to see if he was right.

Hermione was about to cast the incantation again when he turned her to face him. "Wha-" she squeaked when suddenly his lips were on hers. She froze first and Draco realized he was wrong; her lips didn't fit. Then she melted against him and he was suddenly aware that this is what a kiss was. This was a kiss because it made his insides jump and his breath stop. This was perfect.

It must have lasted only five seconds, but it was heaven to them.

Hermione broke away with a startled gasp. "I can't- We can't-" she had been staring horrified at his lips for a while and then she made eye contact with him. "I hate you." she said, words barely audible. Draco tried to regain composure like everything was okay, but Hermione had already walked out of the door.

He was dazed for a couple of days and they both avoided each other but it was driving him crazy; so he wrote her a letter again. He barely remembered writing it - he barely knew why he was writing it. But for some reason, without Hermione his life was sort of empty. He tried to rectify that statement with booze and forgetful charms, but they did not help. The letter said something about "Hate you too" and "You're the only one that's seen me weak" and "Need you" and "Friends" and "But I can't promise it won't happen again." And as soon as he sent it he cursed himself for acting like he needed her. She would probably show it to her friends and in the morning it would probably be all over the school. He thought at the time public humiliation was the worst that could happen to him.

Drunkenly, he rushed to find his owl that was delivering her the letter. He found it returning from the astronomy tower and hurried up the steps hoping Hermione was still there. Thankfully he found her and when she saw him, she smiled.

"You wrote this while being drunk?" Hermione asked. The sun was shining on her and even though she looked the same as she always had, Draco couldn't stop staring because he swore Hermione was the most beautiful person he had ever seen.

"Maybe," he mumbled.

Hermione laughed and Draco wondered if he could bottle a laugh. Her laugh was like sunshine and it flooded his senses as she walked closer to him. It blinded him. "It's pretty romantic," she said, two steps away from him. "And you know what they say, drunken words are sober thoughts."

"I'm drunk, Granger. I'd say anything,"

"Yes, you could have said anything. But this is what you chose to say. You could have insulted my magic or threatened me not to tell or something. But you said this." she had been smiling brightly making her speech but now her smile faded. "Why can't you be like this all the time? Why do you have to be so cruel to the world?" Draco shrugged and they were both sure that even if he was sober he still would not have a good answer. Hermione shook her head and set the letter on fire. "I don't want to like you," she said quietly, biting her lip. "I want to hate you, like you hate me."

"I don't think I hate you," he said but Hermione shook her head again.

"Don't say that. I know you're drunk but I might just believe you." They were both quiet for a long time, unsure where to go from there. "Come on," Hermione said, casting a cloaking charm over the both of them. "Let's get you back to the Slytherin common room."

* * *

_Part Two_

Then he began to lose her.

"I don't think we should do this anymore," she said suddenly as Draco traced circles on her back. His touch was intoxicating and was driving her mad but she had to say this. This had gone on for too long.

"What?" he whispered against the soft skin of her neck.

"Meeting together and practicing magic. It's -"

"We don't have to cast magic." He said quickly, silencing her with a kiss. Hermione smiled against his mouth but eventually broke away. Draco watched her with lazy eyes as she buttoned her blouse up all the way and put her cloak on.

"I'm serious, Draco." she said when reached out to kiss her again. "Did you think about what we talked about at all?"

Draco sighed. After Voldemort's reappearance at the end of fourth year she had wasted no time in telling Draco to pack his bags. He should have listened. "Your father was a Death Eater. He will be coming for him next, and then he'll get to you." But Draco had dismissed the idea. There was no Voldemort. Potter was barmy. Hermione was overreacting.

"Yes and I'm sticking to what I said before. There's nothing to worry about."

"Why don't you ever listen to me?" Hermione sighed in frustration. And then suddenly, as if the weight of the world was on her, she snapped. "Forget this. If you think your family is untouchable and that you're right, then fine. Forget this. Forget our friendship. Forget what we have and go live your stubborn, empty life without me." she said storming out.

Draco blinked, and rage quickly consumed him. This was not how he imagined their fifth year at Hogwarts to go. She was just getting back at him for breaking Harry's nose. He probably set her up to this. Her stupid, no-good, idiotic friend. Fine, if she wanted him to forget her then fine. She'd be bored without him eventually, it wasn't like any of her best friends understood her anyway. Not like he did.

However, after two months neither of them had talked to one another. So he tried to get on Umbridge's good side to get Hermione's attention. But that did not help; it just made her ignore him more. So he tried stolen kisses in empty corridors.

The first time, she kicked him between the legs.

The second time, she hexed him before he could get near her.

Now she walked with her two body guards everywhere. Draco would have done something about it, but when he heard his friends talking about Voldemort his attention wavered from Hermione. Turned out they believed Potter; their parents had heard stories about Voldemort's uprising and now they were sure that they would be involved. At first Draco thought this would be a good thing, his family could get power back and all those stupid people who did not deserve to wield magic would have it taken away from them.

That's why, when Hermione kissed back the third time he thought nothing of it. He thought nothing of her warnings to run away and thought nothing of the many business trips his father was taking. As long as he could make Hermione laugh once in a while, as long as she did not hate him, life would be okay.

They never got a chance to go public about their relationship, because Draco broke it off. It was a snowy November day and Dumbledore's Army had gotten far in their practice. Hermione was happy with their progress and was looking forward to sharing her happiness with Draco. She never told him what she and the others were working on because she was sure Draco not appreciate it. She enjoyed spending time with him and she knew they needed each other in a way neither of them could explain, but some things she couldn't tell him. He'd probably laugh it off like he did whenever she told him about Voldemort.

But now that the DA was getting somewhere, she was going to try to make Draco understand what a threat Voldemort really was. He needed to understand where the future was headed.

"There you are," Draco said, getting up when Hermione entered their usual room.

"Here I am," Hermione said, reaching on her toes to kiss him. Strangely, he did not respond like he usually did. That's when Hermione noticed all their books were gone. The room looked empty like the day she and Draco had first discovered it. "What's going on?" she asked nervously.

"I'm ending this," he said suddenly.

Hermione frowned and stepped away from him. "Ending what?" she asked slowly.

Draco refrained from gritting his teeth. He knew Hermione understood, he could see the thoughts running inside her head. He knew what she was thinking. And he also knew she wouldn't believe him until he said it aloud. "I don't like you," he said, and Hermione flinched. "I know you like me, and I want to end things between us before you imagine that it would go anywhere."

He could see the hurt on her face and he wished he could apologize and take everything back, but this was necessary. Maybe if he kept telling himself that enough times it would make sense.

"I don't understand." Hermione said slowly. "You - We - You don't like me? We've been together for -"

"I know, I know." Draco said with a smirk. "And I know you think it meant something, but I have news for you Granger. It doesn't. It's all been fun and games. I knew for some reason you were good at magic so I befriended you to practice."

"To practice?" Hermione hissed.

"Yeah," he shrugged. "Old batty teachers here no knowing about magic so I thought, maybe I could learn by practicing myself. Of course I couldn't do it on just anyone. Slytherins would use it as blackmail against me later if I seemed inferior, Hufflepuffs are stupid, Ravenclaws are annoying and I detest Gryffindors. Except I heard that a certain muggleborn witch could perform spells in the blink of an eye. So I went to see for myself, and I would like to say I am very happy with what I found," he said with a smirk eyeing Hermione up and down.

"I don't believe you," she said. "Why are you saying this? Is this some sort of prank?"

"Nope, it's the truth."

"So you're telling me everything we- everything between us is nothing?" Hermione asked skeptically. Draco sighed and wished he could cast a memory spell on her to make her forget. But that didn't mean she wouldn't come looking for him later, unfortunately Hermione was a smart witch and would have suspected something eventually. "Everything we've said to each other? Everything we've worked on together? Every kiss was nothing?"

Draco laughed coldly and Hermione flinched away. He put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her a little closer. "It's just simple infatuation, Granger. Well for you anyway, for me it was just simple lust. Nothing else."

Hermione stared at him, slack jawed. She knew when Draco was telling the truth and something in her gut was telling her not to believe him, but her heart had frozen. "Lust?" she repeated in a hollow voice.

"Yes, now leave me alone." Draco wished he didn't have to do this. His father had admitted to Voldemort's uprising and had told Draco to prepare. Draco didn't know what 'prepare' meant, but he judged from his mother's face that it was not going to be fun. He now understood why Hermione had been so adamant on him packing his bags. Voldemort was going to enlist Draco's help and there was nothing he could do about it. "Don't tell anyone about us - ever. I don't want you and I don't ever want you co-"

He had been so engrossed in sounding harsh, that he almost missed the murderous gleam in Hermione's eyes. Luckily he caught her hand before she could slap him. Forcing his gaze away from her eyes, he let go of her hand with a disgusted expression. The look on Hermione's face made Draco wish she had slapped him.

The last time he saw her on good terms was in the Hogwarts Express at the end of fifth year. The train was nearing London and Hermione had found him standing by an exit, his belongings by his side. "I wish you'd tell me why you're doing this," Hermione said quietly approaching him.

Draco closed his eyes, hating the disappointment in her voice. "Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?"

"You're a very bad liar, Draco," Hermione said. "Do you remember what I said about running away from your family?"

"I can't just-"

"No!" Hermione said, grabbing his arm and shoving him against the wall. "You have to. Don't you get it? Voldemort is alive, he's _alive_ Draco! I know you didn't believe Harry before but you have to now! And your father is an ex-death eater. You're smart enough to know what comes next!"

Draco sighed and refused to make eye contact. He already knew what came next. His father swore allegiance to Voldemort and then killed anyone in the Malfoy family who refused. Including Draco and his mother. "I'm not leaving my family," he said.

"Your parents are smart and powerful. I'm sure they have lots of connections they could take care of themselves. Draco?" she said softly and he had no choice to gaze at her big, caramel eyes. "I want you to be safe."

Draco knew this would go against everything he had said and done previously in the year, but he had enough emptiness for one year. As the train neared the station, he pulled Hermione closer and laid a soft kiss on her lips. "Then stay away from me," he said quickly pulling away from her.

The train doors opened but Hermione stopped him. "Wait," she said.

"What? I have to go," he said, already spotting his parents who were walking toward them. If they saw him talking to Hermione there would be hell to answer to.

"I love you," Hermione said and Draco froze.

"What?" he askd, his heart stopping. He wanted to kiss her again, but he also knew that if Hermione liked - if she loved him she would not let him just go home to Voldemort. She would not rest until she had convinced him to run away. This made her a target.

Hermione smiled sadly, like she knew what he would do next. "I love you, Draco Malfoy." Later on he would think of this moment again, the words fresh on Hermione's lips and imagine casting a cloaking spell and running away with her. Or apparating somewhere else entirely and spending the rest of his life on keeping her safe. That's what he should have done.

"Draco!" his mother called.

"No you do not love me," he said quickly, keeping one eye on his approaching family.

"Draco you don't mean that. We-"

"What were you expecting me to say?" he asked suddenly as Hermione stepped closer to him. "Do you want me to feel the same way? I told you, its infatuation. Not love." He laughed, ignoring making sure to avoid eye contact with Hermione. He knew if he looked at her he'd retract his words. But he had to do this. He had to keep her safe. "I don't like you and I definitely do not love you. Stay the hell away from me."

He left Hermione standing there without looking back.

Later that day, he told himself that he was protecting Hermione. Everything he had said was for her own good. And she couldn't possibly love him. They were only 16, what did they know about love? And Draco had been nothing but rude to her his whole life because he believed her to be inferior. Why would she love him? No way, there was no way. He repeated this to himself several times a day to keep from running back to Hermione.

Their sixth year passed by quietly except for the Katie Bell incident which brought Hermione back to Draco again. "What the hell is your problem?" he asked when Hermione lifted the body bind charm off of him. She had taken him to an empty classroom and cornered him, her wand pointing at his throat.

"What did you do?" she asked him quietly.

"What are you on about?" he asked. He couldn't remember the last time he was in such close proximity with her. He had forgotten what it felt like. He had forgotten what feeling alive felt like.

"Katie Bell receiving that necklace. My friends think you're behind it. What did you do? Were you responsible for it?" she questioned.

A pit grew in the bottom of Draco's stomach. He had left Hermione because he did not want her involved in any of the Voldemort issues happening, but here she was interrogating him about it. It was like all his efforts were wasted on this woman.

"Answer me!" she hissed, her wand shooting out red sparks.

"No!" he snapped back, pushing her away. They were both breathing heavily and Draco wondered what Hermione would do if he admitted it was his entire fault.

"Draco Lucius Malfoy do not lie to me I-!"

"Why do you care? It's not any of your business!" he burst out suddenly. "Why can't you stay out of trouble like this?"

"What do you mean trouble?" Hermione asked, her wand lowering. "What do you know, Malfoy?"

Draco frowned at her formal use of his name. "Nothing, just drop it. Let St. Mungos deal with it."

Hermione sighed and they were silent for a long time. "How did we get like this?"

"Like what?" Draco asked, hoping she wouldn't bring up a conversation that required talking about feelings.

"It feels like just yesterday we were children in that dusty room surrounded by books." Draco closed his eyes and tried to remember. It seemed like a lifetime ago to him. "We were practicing new spells and playing warriors and dreaming of happy endings. And now look at us," Hermione waited for Draco to say something but he didn't - he stood silently watching Hermione's ever changing facial expression. "Malfoy," Hermione said, standing in front of him again. "I know you're in some trouble. I can help. Dumbledore-"

"Don't," Draco said. Already knowing the fate that would soon befall Dumbledore. And that would be his fault too. Everything was his fault. And he wasn't strong enough to break away from any of it. "There's nothing Dumbledore or anyone can do for me now." He hissed, eyes pleading Hermione to not press the issue. "Just stay out of harm's way. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you," he said and quickly left the room, leaving a stunned Hermione behind.

The last time he saw her alive was during the war. She was the most beautiful warrior he'd ever seen. He was so busy shielding his family and friends from spells that he didn't have a chance to save her. For one minute he was gazing at her from the corner of his eye. He was thinking to himself, _'When this is all over I'd like to get to know Hermione again. I'd like for my heart to start beating again.'_ But someone had fired a spell at Blaise and he turned his back on Hermione to help his friend.

And then when he turned back around, she was on the floor - her eyes devoid of life.

At first it did not register to Draco that it was her body on the ground. He assumed that she had probably apparated away, or was chasing some Death Eaters off. He did not think her death would be by a simple Avada curse. He imagined her living her life until she was 800 years old, creating new spells and making someone's day better every day. He assumed she wouldn't die so easily. He thought she would live on to be a "War Hero" who was given an award and allowed to be in charge of the world.

He had assumed she was okay. He assumed he'd never lose her.

And now here he was - at her grave site two years later. He regretted it every second of every day. He regretted every choice he ever made.

He could have - he should have chosen her. He shouldn't have been weak. He should have grown old with Hermione alive somewhere. But he had tried to protect her. He had tried to protect a woman who only wanted the truth from him. And maybe if he had told her the truth, she would have been here with him today.

* * *

**A/N: **I don't know about you guys but I try to avoid stories that don't have happy endings. It's not that I don't enjoy them its just that they leave me with this lingering sad feeling. Well as you can see, I have embraced my inner sad feels. Originally this story revolved around the lines "Wait" "What? I have to go." "I love you" And I could just imagine the shocked expression on Draco's face. I could imagine the small, sad smile on Hermione's mouth and I could imagine the harsh words he said next. But clearly this story revolves around their relationship that they developed from a young age. Did you guys like it?

Also this is the first story I've written in which the main character dies so could you guys please **REVIEW** and tell me how I did? Did you guess that Hermione would be dead from the beginning? Any ways I can improve in my writing? I'm open to any criticism! Tell me your thoughts :)


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